Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I am 18 years old and a sophomore in college, please help me!

Okay, so I am an 18 year old girl.

I will be a sophomore in college.

I didn't do that well my first year... I partied too much and didn't study enough. However, I did well enough to make it to my second year.

During the course of my freshman year I got into a bit of trouble with the law:
I got my first underage drinking in October 2007
and then in April 2007, I got citations for assaulting behavior, disorderly conduct and also got my 2nd underage drinking.

Yes, I know all of this was not acceptable behavior and I should not be drinking but it is college and it happens...

All of that together cost about $1370 in fines...my parents paid the 370 and I paid the $1000.

Also in May of 2008, I was very stressed out about everything and my boyfriend breaking up with me was the final straw on everything (I also blame this partly on my anti-depressants as they can have adverse effects) and took about 8 Tylenol PM's....I was not hurt by them at all but 2 days later when I told my therapist he made me go to the emergency room for about a day to get my liver tested, etc. and I was released on intentional drug overdose...

Now it's almost the end of the summer and I got a box of hair relaxer (I'm white) intended for African American hair and because of the dye in my hair, the relaxer made the end of my hair fall out.

Also, due to my citations in April, I do not have a license and won't until May 2009 so my mom has to drive me to work every night (I usually work 7p.m. -4 a.m. and 12- 8 in the morning)...making her get up out of bed to come get me (she is a teacher so she is off in the summer).

My mom was in a bad mood one night and she was sick of picking me up from work and started telling me how I was a fuck-up and always cost her money and do stupid things and all I do is make mistakes. She also stated that I am ruining the family by not helping out around the house and by being lazy and sleeping all the time (I work nights so I sleep during the day). It just bothers me that she calls me the fuck up when I am only 18 years old and at least paid my citations and have a job and start my sophomore year of college in September. People make mistakes and it could be much worse but for her to call me a fuck up and tell me that she "can't wait" until I go to jail and tells me that after I go to school she does not want me living at home for the summer again.

I personally do not think I am a "fuck up" and I have stopped talking to her for the last week. One time when she tried talking to me I told her that she needed to apologize for calling me that but she did not acquiesce and told me that I still am a fuck up.

Personally, I think she fucked up at parenting. She doesn't know how to deal with kids or be a good mother and she is often too critical and goes psycho (literally: crying, screaming, making scary noises if no one will clean the house as an example) over small things and doesn't know how to react to things her teenage children go thru.

What is your opinion on all of this and how do I handle it?
I have been damaged enough by all my parents bullshit.
Christina


Dear Christina:

I doubt you will like my answer, but remember you wrote to me. First of all there are way to many excuses in your email for your behavior. Yes, you took responsibility for paying your fines. This makes you a responsible adult. Do you really think any of us get recognition for being responsible adults. Sounds to me like you need to get over your need for recognition. It would be great to have someone sitting on our shoulders telling us what great people we are for going to work each day and paying our bills however what we get is self satisfaction. So pat yourself on the back for taking responsibility for what you have done.

Next, cut your mom some slack. Are you a parent? Parenting is the hardest thing anyone does, trust me on this one I raised three adult children and now they are raising their own. Funny how much more they understand me now that they have children.

Next, cut you and your mom some slack. Do you realize this paragraph,
"Personally, I think she fucked up at parenting. She doesn't know how to deal with kids or be a good mother and she is often too critical and goes psycho (literally: crying, screaming, making scary noises if no one will clean the house as an example) over small things and doesn't know how to react to things her teenage children go thru." Is just you looking in the mirror. When you criticize her you are also critical. When you say she is awful you are also doing what she has done to you. If she is so awful then you need to become the opposite not the same.

So here are your choices:
1. Realize you are not the first child to deal with less than perfect parents.
2. Realize you have been anything but the perfect child (not the worst, just not the best).

4. Stop looking back, don't fear the future and do something with this moment right now. The more you make good decisions, the best ones you can for yourself, the more you build a better future and great life.
5. Feel sorry for yourself for five minutes and then get over it!
6. Get the book the "Four Agreements." Learn these four things and life will come much easier to you. (Something even older people don't know).
7. FORGIVE your mom. Although she should not have said what she said. She is human and you have to admit you have been a challenge. No one gave her a manual when you were born. There was not a page that said do this when your daughter starts drinking and gets into trouble. She said what she said because she already feels like a failure. What she said translates into this, "I feel like a failure as a parent. I don't know what to do for you. I believe this is all my fault and I can't do any better for you. Everyone else is going to believe this was my fault too." While this is not your problem maybe you could just let it go. Forgive yourself for whatever is causing you to behave this way and let it go.

Tomorrow is a new day. Every day ends at midnight and starts over again the next day. The thing is you have a clean slate if you will learn to be compassionate with yourself.

I could go on and on about how your mom is parenting the only way she learned how to and how you are drinking for this reason or that reason but really nothing will fix your pain right now. Feel it and let it go and get on with life. You are too young to have really messed up, even old people can start over again. That is the miracle of life.

Here you want a manual to life? Here is mine. Check out August 6th or search for solutions and find August 6th of the language of letting go. You read this everyday and you will be ahead of most adults!
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904

Try to be kinder to yourself and to your mom. It will get better if you let it, I promise.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller