I have a 21 year old daughter living at home and paying for her own car insurance, gas,student loans, car payment. She doesn't have enough left over to contribute to rent, food, etc. She's finished cosmetology school and waiting to take her test- so she is working full time. She is lying to us and her boyfriend (who is friends with our son) about where she's going and what she's doing. I don't like the values she's displaying in front of our 17 year old son- she seems to have it made, and we can't interfere with her decisions---however I catch her lying and confront her and eventually our son finds out. How do I handle this without sending messages to him that anything goes?
The Drama interferes with my life, and I realize my "teaching" days are over.
You already have the answer, "I realize my "teaching" days are over."
You are right, she is 21 and you are done raising her. She is telling you your done by making her own choices and not adhering to your standards.
It is okay to tell her, shape up or find other living accommodations. Most adult children do not make good roommates as we don't expect them to act as adults when they are living at home. You wouldn't accept this behavior from another adult living in your home, so don't.
As for her financial situation. She can always get a second job to pay her way in life. If she chooses to be underemployed and not make enough to supply her living expenses that is her choice and it still does not make it your responsibility to pick up the slack or make it easier for her to do so.
Tell her you have enjoyed raising her and send her on her way. No hard feelings just a part of life and growing up.
M Kay Keller
P.S. Resentment is a sure sign you are giving more than you should be.