Saturday, November 5, 2011

19yr daughter living @ home & not following rules & lying

I have a 19yr daughter that lives at home and is going to nursing school. My problem is my husband and I have set rules for her and so far (except for a few incidents) she has respected our rules as far as curfew which is in by 1 or 2 a.m. Our problem now is I keep getting the feeling she is lying to me and I have caught her a couple of times. I think the reason she's lying is because she knows what we think and do not like what she's doing or how she's behaving. She is the oldest of 4 children and I am afraid this is going to be an example for the other kids. I don't know how to set rules to a lying 19yr old. My husband and I don't expect any rent payment from her and we even pay for her gas in her vehicle. She works 1 or 2 days a month at our local hospital. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks  Pam

Dear Pam:

Well you may not like my answer. She is 19 years old and you are still treating her like a child. You don't expect any rent payment from her and you even put gas in her vehicle. Why is this?

She is old enough to pay rent no matter where she lives. She works and she needs to know life expects her to take care of herself and pay her own way in life. She cannot grow up and respect you until you respect yourself.

Unless she is a full time student living at home while attending college I can't come up with a reason you would be paying her way in life. Do you want her home with you when she is 45 and not living on her own?

I am not saying kick her out what I am saying is let her know she is free to come and go as she pleases because she is an adult and she is also free to pay her own way in life. She needs to be paying for her room and her own expenses. Otherwise the problem is you, not her.

I know it is hard to let go however letting go is part of the process. The good news is you get to develop a more one on one adult relationship with her and you don't have to be so responsible for her behavior. Let go and enjoy her more as an adult. It really is worth the struggle. She will surprise you in the end.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller