Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My little girl just had sex! Help!

Questioner: Sabrina

Subject: Daughter

Question: My little girl just turned 14.

She spent the night at a friends, snuck out to see an older boy(16) and she admits she has done this before. She had sex with him that night. It was her first time and I say this because when confronted she admitted all and was spotting for three days afterward. It was dark in the room but I cant believe she let this happen with three other people in the room.They say they couldn't see but they were aware of what was happening.She asked him to stop after the first thrust(he did) but has no idea if he wore a condom and didn't know how to tell if he had ejaculated or not. We are freaking out!

She seems like a stranger to me. I spend alot of time with her and her billion friends and I missed it.
I knew she was boy crazy but she feels less attractive then her two most "popular" girlfriends. She is beautiful but the other two are the ones admittedly that all the boys in middle school seem to like. For which I was actually very grateful to be honest. Instead she somehow attracted attention from high school boys(much worse).We are so lost.We grounded her indefinitely from going anywhere socially or seeing her friends outside of school, took away her cell and house phone,cancelled her my, and disconnected her computer. Do you think we went overboard?

This boy is in trouble with the law and rape charges are pending on a girl that is 15. He is under house arrest and after speaking to his guardians they want him locked up because he didn't learn his lesson before. My daughter concourse believes him but either way it seems as though he is out for young virgins(he asked her if she was before sex). Sadly its me she hates.

I cant believe I have to take her today to be tested for pregnancy and STD,s but he was very sexually active. I feel overwhelmed and scared to death. What do we do and how long can we really keep her locked up for?

Answer: Dear Sabrina:

To answer your question directly, realistically you can only keep her locked up for as long as she complies. I hate to break the news to you but she is allowing you to keep her under lock and key. She could leave, it is her choice to stay, as you cannot be with her 24/7.

Next, "your little girl," is not little anymore. She is a teenager has been for two years now. Catch up. This part is for you. Often the teen years sneak up on parents because they keep seeing their "baby" as a baby. The reality is they haven't been babies since they were 2. Children change rapidly and dramatically the first 12 years and as parents we are often not prepared for how quickly this happens. Change also requires that we keep up and often our grief gets in the way because we cling to our babies rather than going with the changes in their development.

Now I hear your pain. Your daughter has definitely had an interruption in this stage of her development and neither of you was ready for her introduction to the adult world of sexuality. There is no going back. Trying to go back is only denial and destructive to your relationship.

 I suggest going to Planned Parenthood and getting lots of material for both of you about sex, about her body and talk with a specialist there as they are very good in guiding parents and teens. The more education the more likely you can turn this around for both of you.

My next concern is whether or not she was raped. Did she want to have sex? Did she know what she was consenting to? If not this needs to be treated as a rape. You said she was freaking out too. This concerns me as to whether or not she is freaking out because you know she had sex and are freaking out or because she did not want to have sex. I can't tell from what you have written if this young boy was forcing himself on girls or just as you said "targeting virgins."

In addition, sex for teens isn't all about attractiveness even though it seems so it is about accessibility and availability. For the record most boys are terrified of girls rejecting them so the more comfortable they feel around a girl the more they decide she will say yes, the more likely they are to approach and advance. In addition teens boys do not have sex as early as most parents think they do. Teens who have sex early on most likely have been inappropriately introduced to sex. By inappropriately I mean it was not part of their developmental stage.

Now if you haven't already don't walk, RUN to a successfully family counselor. This is not just her issue it is a family issue and no I am not blaming you. Nor should you blame yourself. Blame is not going to be helpful here at all and will only complicate the issue.

You need to seek out family counseling unless you want to be a grandparent before your time. Don't fear her hatred she will get over it. It is a childish emotional response to her own fear.

She is out of control and terrified by her own lack of restraint. Teens are in between being adults and children and sadly our societal expectations of them are very perfectionist.

Do contact your local planned parenthood as they have videos and educational lectures which she needs to understand how serious sexual activity is and not a game.

She is not emotionally ready for sex and most teens understand this at some level and yet get caught up in the peer pressure and the cultural expectations. Sometimes young teens have been inappropriately exposed to sex. Hopefully this is not the case with your daughter. I would bet however it is the case with this young man.

Do get counseling from a family therapist and from planned parenthood or another qualified source on sexual health.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller