Monday, April 18, 2011

Crazy Step-Mom?

Questioner: Cody


Subject: Crazy Step-Mom?

Question: OK. My girlfriends a wonderful girl. She does good in school and stays generally out of trouble. But her step mom is always on her back. Her dad and her step-mom fight often and she is always being horrible towards my girlfriend. My girlfriend got caught at a party drinking once and its almost been 4 months and she still sees she cant trust her. She has had good behavior since then and does what shes told. She feeds her dog and does dishes and cleans the whole kitchen every night and sometimes cooks. Yet she cant go out with me unless her younger brother comes(which is fine but its nice to have a date alone every so often).

Her Dad is great and she has a great relationship with him, but her step-mom has like complete control over him. She's tried talking to him about her before but he gets sort of angry or doesn't seem to listen. Her step-mom just left for a week and it seemed like one of the greatest weeks of her life. She had her first date with me with out her little brother even. Then when her step-mom returned she got grounded for 2 weeks. The day after she returned. The reasoning was the house was trashed. Her and her 3 younger siblings all got grounded. I've been in her house the day before it was fine.


Her mom lives to far away for her to go live with her. I just don't quite understand this. I think something is seriously wrong with the woman. I just wish I understood it a bit more and new how to help her out. I know if i went through 1/10th of what she does I'd have an emotional break down by now. Could you help me understand this a bit more maybe some advice or anything at all would help. I'll have my girlfriend read this to when she can.

Answer: Dear Cody:

You didn't say how old your girlfriend is however you did mention she "generally" stays out of trouble and she got caught drinking at a party. I assume she is underage and drinking when you or she are not over the age of 21 is ILLEGAL.

I don't know what "generally" staying out of trouble means so it is difficult for me to say much here.

 will say this. Parents, step-parents in general are all concerned about the same issues. Girls not getting pregnant, children staying in school and doing well, children not getting into trouble with the law and picking good friends. They just want to get their children to a legal age in once piece, happy and whole.

If you in anyway seem a threat to this goal they want to eliminate you. Get it?

What you need to do if you want to continue to see this young lady is to start playing the game. You need to get to know step mom. Start talking with her, not at her with her. Make NICE. Stop criticizing how she is interacting with your girlfriend and start complimenting her. If she criticizes alot probability is that is how her mom raised her and she is only doing what she knows is good parenting. (You don't have to agree just understand this, parents pass on what was passed to them. If they were raised with love and kindness they pass it on, if they were raised with criticism and pain well then that too gets passed on. It isn't right however life is not fair).

I am being quite blunt with you because you cannot change this situation. You can only make it worse if you do not learn to make NICE with the step mom.

When you go to her house you play by her rules. If you have to take the brother with you make nice with him too!

Mind your manners and don't do anything a step mom will see as a threat to her children. Think of her like a mother cougar and you are playing with her cubs. Get the drift.

Speak to her respectfully, ask her about her day, what is going on etc...show some interest in the step-mom. DO NOT LOSE your cool with her no matter how she responds. If it doesn't go well know when to leave. Say something like maybe now is not a good time for me to be here and politely say good bye. She will learn to RESPECT you if you make NICE.

And remember your need to be alone with her step daughter is not viewed as a necessity in her eyes when she knows how high the teen pregnancy rate is you are suspect to her, most always!
Not what you wanted to hear but it is true and you will get further this way.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller