Friday, January 28, 2011

My 15 year old son hates me!

Questioner: Cindi


Subject: My 15 year old son hates me....

Question: Dear M.Kay

Please help! My 15 year old son ignores me, will not let me be involved in his life in any way, and only allows my husband to be part of Erik's world.

Since our 18 year old son became a US Marine in April and has not been living here any longer, the ignoring me factor has gotten much worse.

Erik refuses to let me take him anywhere and will only ask for his Dad/s help on anything


Erik is an awesome kid, is the starting Running Back for the High School he attends and gets good grades-

Please help me! I am having a hard time of not being his Mom anymore and if things don't change soon, I will be moving out so Erik will be much happier!

The background on our family is that we have been married for almost 21 years in October, and we have 4 kids, Jodi age 20 who has moved out, BJ age 18 who is a US Marine, Erik age 15, Tony age 4.

Since Tony was born Erik has always rivaled with his younger brother, I don't know what it looks like any longer to be his Mom and am very distraught over this.

Counseling is out of the question as my husband or Erik refuse to try this.

If I do move out, would this be like abandoning my son???

Thank you anyone for your response..

Signed, distraught Mom

Answer: Dear Cindi:

Okay why move out? Who is the parent here? You are not serious about moving out because this teenager is stonewalling you are you really? It seem like an overreaction to something that is not as serious as it could be considering he is a teenager.

I am sure having two children out on their own is overwhelming already as you are facing the empty nest syndrome much earlier than expected. I need to assure you no parent is ready to let their children go.

Your son is 15 years old and only a short jump from being 18 years of age. His not doing things with you could possibly be because he feels he is having to make up for your losses? What do you think?

Parents go through a grieving process when their children grow up and detach from them. It is perfectly normal to be sad, angry, depressed and lost. You have been a mom for over 20 years. Of course your life is changing.

I would suggest having a talk with your teen and tell him you know you relationship is changing, you know he is growing up quickly and is only a short jump from being an adult. I would also assure him that he will always be your son and you will always be his mom in whatever form he will let you be. You hope to be close however it is really his choice how close you will be.

Try and find things to do together that he likes to do and listen a lot. Most of the time we as parents do more talking than listening and expect the teens to like what we like and it just doesn't work this way.

If he remains distant then it is your responsibility to continue to be his mom. Try and derive your satisfaction from mothering your 4 year old, he needs nurturing now.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller