Sunday, September 19, 2010

My girlfriend is spoiled


Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness 
10                        6                            10             6

Comment: Hi, I appreciate your answer about my question, Thank You very much, and thank You for all your comments and critics. I also thank you for your time. I really needed another's person point of view, and better from a more qualified person. I can ask many of my friends opinion, and all my friends will tell me. WTF I'm still with her. You have told me about responsability, and exposure of abusiveness, well.

Yes, I don't have to be responsible about this, and also I feel the need of helping. Why? Maybe because I've being with her for many years together, and is not only boyfriend relationship, but has turned into a family and close-friend relationship between us.

If I run out of this relationship, it is an easy way of solving MY problem. I appreciate your critics also about me trying to convince you on how she is or the problem she has. Well Yes I accept I critizice her alot, and only focus on this problem, but the internet characteristics about this, is the point of view that I wanted you to have from her, because she is acting like a 24 years old spoiled kid, who can punch you.

And you have also said I can find alot of distorted information in the Internet, well that information I found it in the internet. I'm not an expert in this and not experienced in problems like this, but I wanted you to have a better view on the situation before you help me. I just didn't want to get a different answer to a wrong question. Thank You for Listening.

Questioner: Anonymous

Subject: Spoiled Aggresive Girlfriend (Wife)

Question: Hi, I have being in a relationship of almost 4 years with my girlfriend, I am living with her and her brother right now. She is very Strong (physically-fighting and talking-discussing), and As far as I know she hates her mother because of the unreasonable way she treats her, (Mom Always right, You are wrong or an idiot). They never got to know each other since they never lived together for long time, and they barely talk to each other about family.

The problem now, is that my girlfriend is spoiled by me, or she wants to be spoiled. I have searched for the characteristics about this:

Signs of a spoiled child

-- Rarely shows appreciation or says "thank you." "please"

-- Doesn't seem satisfied with whatever she gets.

-- Asks frequently for things and gets upset if she doesn't immediately get them.

-- Doesn't have any family responsibilities.

-- Frequently complains about being treated unfairly.

-- Rarely offers to help someone else.

-- Expects others to accommodate her wants.

-- Rarely compromises or shares with others.

-- Has a "what's-in-it-for-me" attitude.

She also complain about how other people should be responsible for her needs.

Yesterday night. We came back home at 2: 00am and her brother finished the hot water tank for shower, and she got so pissed of she turned on the TV with high volume. I only asked her to turn down the volume a little, and a discussion began. She started to kick me hitting me because I'm not letting her do whatever she wants to do when she is mad, and she ended un Destroying the Livings room Glass Table into million of pieces, followed by blaming our fight to her brother. She ran to her brother's room, start shouting and kicking the door, and they started to Fight (fist, kicks and grabs). Her brother, Ken, yelled at her, asking what is wrong with her? for Only the Hot Water, she is going to be like this? Her Answer was that "she told him before to shower earlier, so that she can shower when she comes back, and is his fault to not do that, is his fault that she broke the glass table, and is his fault she is fighting with Me"

I tried to stop the fight, and we ended in fighting together.

Her attitude now is being "I didn't do anything wrong"

She doesn't listen to anybody's opinion since she has an excuse that "What did I do wrong" (she told him before to shower"). For Me and Ken, she is too spoiled, and she acts exactly as her mother, but Worst.

After we finish shouting, fighting and breaking things. She left and saying, "You 2 Leave the Home, or I leave".

She left and no sign of her, all the night. I contact her today, and the only thing she tells me "I didn't do anything wrong, I will come back when you 2 leave"

I hate the fact that, whenever she asks for something, We have to give it to her without she doing anything. But when we ask for something, she is always Shouting, Blaming others and Just saying No. She doesn't have the sense of humanity and respect. Only Selfishness and thinking about herself (unconsiously). She oftenly says "have you ever thought about My Feelings"? But she rarely think about other peoples feelings.

Please Help.

I am in a situation that, I can't leave her because of only this problem, but I can't make her change this behavior. She is suicidal (This meaning she takes Suicide as a way to make others regret for whatever fight)

Only at her advantage.

She is very aggresive in daily live. And very aggresive with whatever she wants. (even for a tissue)

Her parents had suffered and are suffering this problems, and having divorce arguments.

Dispite of this, we have a very healthful relationship.

Answer: Daniel:

I am very sorry you are in this situation and it is painful for all who are involved.

I doubt you will like my answer as I am not going to agree with you on several different points. First let's start with your behavior. (I know you wanted me to focus on hers first however, you first her second because you wrote me.)

Daniel, there are no victims in this situation because you are an adult and obviously make CHOICES to give into the situation. If you go back and you give in you are making a choice!

Next, you do not have the right or the responsibility to change someone else behavior only your own. (Strongly suggest you explore this for quite awhile as to why you feel the need to rescue or have strong opinions about her choices rather than your own. This will solve alot.)

Now let's get to the idea of her being a spoiled aggressive girlfriend. What about this is kind and compassionate towards yourself or her? You want her to be in touch with how she affect others so how about modeling this behavior. I am not impressed with what you found on the Internet because the Internet can be full of inappropriate material and advice. The need to convince me of this is not at all appealing to me.

Now let's address your girl friend. This does not sound like spoiled behavior. I do not prescribe to the idea of children being spoiled. I do however believe children are neglected when they are not taught what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. When children are over indulged with material wealth and not given one on one positive attention and connection with their caregivers they may find themselves consumed with rage they do not know how to handle and/or other destructive behaviors.

You mentioned she did not grow up with her mother. The interruption of attachment in young children with a significant caregiver has an impact. Especially if no other adult steps in and becomes a nurturing, role model and cares for the child. You may want to read up on the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. One site is

You both need intensive counseling. You to determine why, how you ended up in this abusive relationship and what choices you can make to take care of yourself. The more you take care of yourself the better life will get.

There are any number of psychological disorders which could be named her to describe this behavior, some are emotional disorders and some are personality disorders. However you are not your significant others counselor so please move back to focusing on yourself.

I can guarantee your girlfriend either learned these behaviors from someone who provided her care and/or was reinforced for these behaviors throughout much of her life. Same as you reinforce them by keeping yourself in the victim role.

I need to be perfectly clear about this issue. People do bad things when it works for them. Her behavior gets her what she wants. Just like a small child screams and when the parent gives in to them so too adults act out sometimes when the behavior pays them to act out.

None of us a humans are exempt from this as we go to work to get paid or enjoy our activities, we eat because we are hungry, we play because we enjoy playing etc....we all do things because it pays us to do what we do. It is totally rational to the person who gets what they want whether it if rejection, getting their own way, or just getting some alone time.

Please get some help. A good free place to get help is Alanon! It is not ever a good idea to stay with someone who abuses you, not good for you and not good for her either. You are not helping her by accepting abuse.

Take care and best wishes!

M Kay Keller

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