Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My 18 year old is acting out

Questioner: Jeanette
Subject: conflict between live in partner and college student living at home

Question: My daughter and partner seem to be at war. Last night it turned ugly when my partner blew up and started yelling after my daughter threw some potatoes out the back of the house after throwing a fit about how many to use for soup vs. how many we needed to make the dinner we (my partner and I) had started.

Some background: I right now have pneumonia and very ill, but wanted to make my children 18, 16, and 14 a Sunday dinner. She burst in with her boyfriend who is often directly disrespectful to me, and I asked her to have him leave as I didn't want dinner guests due to feeling sick. (He often sneaks in and out of my house at all hours even when no one is here despite my request for this not to happen.) He did not leave. She asked to make soup, and I said not now as we were making dinner. She takes some ingredients downstairs when no one is looking. She comes back up stairs with peeled potatoes,and I said thanks for peeling them for me,and she said no this is for my soup. I told her that was too many anyay and I needed some for dinner.She yelled, usual name calling "Don't be such a fucking bitch" etc. and goes back downstairs to report to boyfriend. In pain I go into the bathroom. Then I hear yelling, I run downstairs, which was hard to do, but see them my partner and my daughter screaming at each other. I get in between, my daughter shoved me, making my partner madder. I asked him to back off, he does but keeps screaming, and she keeps shoving trying to get at him, not sure. I sit on the stairs dividing the dining room from the lower level. She garbs most of her things and says she will not return until I throw out my partner. the boyfriend is standing glaring at me, and threatens to kill my partner. My 14 year old comes home. He actually heard most of the fight. Bad scene. My daughter leaves. My other daughter comes home. He bio dad calls to get story.

What should I do? Still today she says she will not come back if partner is still here. She has explosive ifts worse in past few months. She has struck me, slammed me into the wall, etc. I don't knwo what to do. Please help.

Answer: Dear Jeanette,

She is 18 abuses you and disrespect you and what exactly do you need help with? Let her leave. Why you haven't told her she can't come back is beyond me. She is obviously old enough to make her own decisions and take responsibility for her life. If you let her come back you are setting a very bad example for the younger children.

Her behavior is very unacceptable and you need to LET GO!

It doesn't sound like you partner is at war with your 18 year old. It sounds like your 18 year old needs a wake up call. Possibly you need to get to an alanon meeting?

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller

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