Monday, September 20, 2010

20 year old asks about having sex


Subject: Age Difference in Dating

Question: Hello. I am a 20 year old boy in college (sophomore) and over Christmas break i met a friend of my sister's that I now have a really big crush on. She is 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. She has recently became closer with my sister and I have been seeing her more and more.

Before I met her, I could never picture myself having a girlfriend less than 2 years younger than me. But when I look at her and talk with her, she seems perfect for me. I love her personality, I think she is really nice and sweet, and really pretty.

We are both Catholic, and plan on waiting for marriage to have sex.
Also, her parent's don't know me much at all, but they do know my mom and sister well. It is now almost May and I have been holding my feelings from her since December, when we first met. There is not an hour I'm not thinking about her or looking forward to the next time I'm going to be able to see her.

My sister thinks I should wait till she is at least a senior in high school, but she is still comfortable with telling her I have a crush on her. I know I can't wait another year to let her know. I really want her to know about my feelings for her in the next month or so because it has been so hard on me keeping it in this whole time. At the same time, i feel kinda scared because I don't know what she/her parents will think about us dating due to the difference in our ages. I'm going crazy, what should I do? I wanna do what makes me happy, which would be being with her now, yet I don't want to ruin my chances of being with her by going after her too early.

I need your advice.

What should I do?

Answer: Dear K.J.,

I know feelings are strong at your age and the more you try to sit on them the more overwhelming they probably feel. I would advise you to write in a journal, talk to friends whatever you need to do to wait until she is 18. You are 20 and if you still need motivation to wait think of her father and what he would say to someone 20 years old coming after his 16 year old daughter.

While age is not a factor for adult relationships, she is not an adult yet and 4 years is a big deal. Even if she had feelings for you because she is only 16 these could change just as quickly as they came on so you too need to be cautious for your own best as well. WAIT.....

Trust me when I say you won't really go crazy.

M Kay Keller


QUESTION: I appreciate your advice Kay. I still have a couple questions though.

If I am to wait till she turns 18, which seems so far away from now, I going to be looking forward to that time, and will have a tough time dating anyone else because she'll always be in the back of my head.

Should I still tell her now that I have a crush on her, but that I am going to wait till shes 18 to date? Or should I just not say anything at all? Also do you think I could talk to her over the phone every once in a while just to see how she is, or should I just stay completely away till she's 18?

Answer: Dear KJ:

First of all you are making several assumptions. You don't know that she will always be in the back of your head. Secondly, as for whether or not you should tell her or talk to her, what about what she wants? Have you considered she may not feel the same about you?

You call this a "crush" and a crush implies it is a one way street. You haven't mentioned anything that implies she feels the same way or even wants a relationship.

There certainly isn't anything wrong with expressing your feeling to someone however as I said she is under the age of 18 and possibly this might be too much for her to handle. What about her parents? Do you think they are going to mind you expressing your feelings for her? Will this be disruptive to her life? Will it put her in a bad spot?

You questions reveal this is mostly about you. Really loving someone, which is not what you have expressed here, is about doing what is best for them. It really shouldn't be all about you. Even more so because she is underage.

What indications do you have that she is interested in you?

This isn't meant to hurt your feelings, I just think you need to ask yourself why this is so much about how it will affect you and so little about how it will her. Your sister gave you pretty good advice. I am afraid I cannot tell you what you are probably wanting to hear.

If you truly care about her and this is not a crush, get on with your life and come back to it when it is more appropriate. If she is the girl for you, you will get your chance because you will be the person she deserves!

M Kay Keller

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