Saturday, September 18, 2010

18 year old daughter's boyfriend


Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness
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Comment: great response, thanks.

Questioner: Anonymous

Subject: problems with 18 Y/O daughter Question: I will try and make this as short as possible but as clear so you can understand. Thanks so much for your advice, I have been going crazy! OK, I have a 18 year old daughter, who will actually be 19 on Sunday.

She in first year of College and wants to be a nurse. We have always had behavior problems with her; she is ADHD and had been very definiant throughout her teen years. Anyhow, Friday afternoon she left our house and never returned.
We called her on her cell and she stated she was not coming back home ...ever!

She left with her 20 y/o BF who also has ADHD and behavior problems since like 3rd grade. She has been seeing him for 9 months and thinks she will eventually marry him. He generally was a good kid but really immature. He has had previous sexual experiences and drinking parties that we don't agree with but that was in his past.

We just found out that DD is living with BF and his parents, who actually lied to my husband about her being there. She says she left because we had giving her unfair curfews (midnight on weekends, varies on weekdays) and BF has no rules or curfews because his parents are never home and don't ever know where he is.

She said being in college she should be able to come and go as she pleases and we did not agree with that. I also have a 13 year old son to think about.BF has slept at our house just about every weekend for the past 5 months, so we were more lenient than I thought we should have been. Anyhow to make a long story short, now DD told us to go to He.. that she no longer wants anything to do with us, she has new parents now and is very happy!

Her B-day is Sunday and they are giving her a party, of course we are not included. This has been so hard, should I try and talk to her, just let her go? What? I know BF is planning on buying her an engagement ring for Christmas and she says the wedding will go on without her parents but she will include her Grandparents. This has been such a slap in the face.

What would you do?

Thanks in advance!

Answer: Dear Anonymous, So this is the toughest part of parenting, letting go. I totally understand how betrayed and hurt you must feel. I also noticed in the first sentence you said she is 18 almost 19. My advice, go party your job as a parent is now done!

While she has her birthday party have one of your own and dream of what you are going to do with your new found free time. While this sounds flippant I truly mean it. You are finished for right now anyway. Adult children want you to see them as adults so comply it will make life much easier on both of you.

When the going gets rough however is when they often no longer wish to be adults, then you get to empathize, listen and just be there emotionally however the being responsible part, that is done, done, done.

You didn't have to kick her out as so many heartbroken parents do she did the work for you, so thank her and move on with your life. It isn't the end of your relationship it is just moving into a new chapter with new rules and they are all on your side now!

Congratulations on a job well done!


M Kay Keller