Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Question about 17 year old teen daughter

Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness Nomination?

9                         9                             10            10             Yes

Questioner: kim

Subject: daughter

Question: I want to know if I am being an overprotecting mother? I am a single mother. My daughter will 18 in 3 months. Sometimes I find it hard to believe what she says. When her friends pick her up she waits for them outside. She has gotten a DUI when she was 17 and not aloud to drive.
When I ? her about where she is going she tells me, but sometimes I don't believe her.

She graduated 6 months early and is in college now at 17 1/2 and thinks since she is in college she can do what she wants and she also hangs out with 18 year olds.I think I have smelled pot on her clothes.she smokes cigarettes. Her friend who is 18 that she hangs out with, I don't approve of. I think she uses my daughter for a ride and clothes.

My daughter can be so sweet sometimes but other times so disrespectful.I feel like I have sacrificed my life for her and always protected her and sometimes she can be so head strong and do things even when I say no she can't.She has gotten basically what ever she has wanted in her life and doesn't take care of her stuff.I just want her to do good but I have to be on her constantly because she is on probation and has community service.

I feel like I was the one that got the DUI. I have spent over 7,000.00 to not see my daughter go to jail and she still wants me to give her money every week and she has been slowly looking for a job.And her father doesn't give me any money and I really can't afford for her to get in anymore trouble.

I am a full time nursing student and can not take anymore pressure or fresh mouth.Am I being an over protective mother if I ask alot of questions when she is going out with her friends?

Answer: Dear Kim:

She is almost 18. You have done your job and it is time for you to take care of you. You need to tell her you love her and care for her and you are there for her. This is your new role in taking care of her.

She has a substance abuse problem and she needs help. However you have done more than enough as a parent including spending $7,000 to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes experiencing the consequences is a good thing. I have often told parents much better to let them go to jail when they are a juvenile can learn something from it and have their record expunged when they get their life together.

She needs to figure this out now on her own. I would set the rules for what you expect while she is living in your home. It is illegal for her to use drugs or alcohol as she is underage. Universities have counseling and peer counseling centers. Ask them about an intervention and some family counseling.

If she drives and drinks and hits someone she will still be on your insurance and you could be sued. She needs to know this is not okay with you.

As for her friends you can not approve of them however she will only cling tighter to them as they are reinforcing her bad behavior. Again set the rules for your house. It is your house and you alone are responsible for paying the bills and taking responsibility.

If she want to EARN your trust back then tell her how she can do so and be real about how she can earn your trust back.

You have my sympathy as their is nothing in life harder in life than watching them commit self destructive acts.

Don't blame yourself for this move on with your own life as it will show her you have self respect.

Don't finance her lifestyle she is old enough to be paying her own way in life and if she wants to be treated like a responsible adult she can take financially responsibility as well. As a parent you owe her love, shelter, food (of your choosing), medical care, education and only until she turns 18. Anything after this is negotiable.

Remember you job is done in 3 months. Let go and see where she flys. You can assert your love and concern and other than this the rest is up to her.

Sincerely,

M Kay Keller