Monday, August 16, 2010

My teen wants to live with her dad.

Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness Nomination?
10                       10                           10            10            Yes
Comment: I am very glad to have asked & received advice from Ms. Keller! This is exactly what I was looking for :-) Thanks so much.

Questioner: Susan

Subject: My daughter wants to live with her father.

Question: This morning my daughter told me she had a dream that she "had" to live with her father. She is 14 and her father moved to Ohio two years ago. She will begin her freshmen year in Aug 05 and I planned on her attending the new high school down the street.

I don't know what could have made this come up,
 she may have had something happened at school. She said something about a "new school and fresh start.” She is only 14 and started her period several months ago. I don't think she knows what she wants.

The thing is Sammy is a sensitive girl and you have to have compassion in talking to her about her issues; school, homework, social life, her body, etc. I don't believe neither David nor Alicia (step-mom) can provide that for her. David is a workaholic and Alicia is materialistic and cold. I don't believe Sammy will thrive and grow by living with them. If I had anything positive to say about them is that they are successful people. I don't know—this kind of sucks!

Answer: Dear Susan, The fact that you are asking me what is up with this situation makes me wonder why you haven't asked your daughter?????? Although you may not see anything positive in her dad or step mother (this maybe an issues as well) your daughter must see something she views as positive or at least something she has to gain from moving away from friends and family to live with her dad.

It maybe nothing other than she misses having her father near her, it maybe that something is up with school, friends or that it is simply her way of pulling away from mom to become her own person. It has been my experience children who are the most like us are the ones who need a physical separation in order to establish in their minds they are seperate, unique and independent of us.

What they don't realize is this is just geography and where the seperation comes is in being own person and talking back to our "parent tapes" in our heads. As I shared with my own daughter you will know when you are grown up when you make your decisions on what you think, want and need and don't wonder what mom will think, say or do. Sit down and ask your daugther what is up and make sure you put the emphasis on LISTENING and not responding until she is completely finish. Sit on your hands if you have to while she talks. If she isn't a talker let the silence grow as sometimes people just need some time to respond.

Best Wishes,

M Kay Keller