Monday, August 23, 2010

I lied to my teen, how do I fix this?

Rating: Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness
           10                       10                            10            10

Comment: Thank you.I have been looking into counseling for them ,I just need to find the right one.

Questioner: Doug Danjer

Subject: fix mistake regarding lying

Question: I feel terrible about an experience that I recently had with my 14 YO son. He called me on some (soft core) pornography that he found on my computer. I lied and said that it must have come from my bosses drug-addict son at the office.


I feel like I am missing a teaching opportunity, but if go back and say to him that "in a weak moment i went out and looked at some dumb stuff" then that would justify him looking at dumb stuff himself. At the time I was embarrassed and thought that it would be better to deny it.

I don't want him to lie, but I don't want him to know that my reaction was to lie. I dont want him to look at porn, but this might be a good teaching opportunity to say "I clicked on a link that I did not know what it was". After all...that will probably happen to him sometime, if it hasn't already.

Do you think that there is any thing here worth going back and trying to fix? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

Answer: Dear Doug: You asked, "Do you think that there is any thing here worth going back and trying to fix? Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?"

Your 14 yr old son didn't buy your explanation. Children see through lies, the only one who is convinced of your deceit is you.

Now answer this question again. Is your relationship with your son worth swallowing your pride and admiting to him that you lied and your are sorry and asking for his forgiveness?

Only you can answer this question.

I believe when any parent comes clean and is real with their children they are setting the ultimate example for thier child.

Who else is going to teach them how to take responsibility and who else is going to show them how to make amends in a relationship?

How can you possibly go wrong in setting this type of an example?

Having said this it is a natural response to lie when you are busted for something which you so obviously felt ashamed of and now it is time you deal with your shame. If looking at porn is not in your value system and you are violating your own internal values maybe this experience came into your life to ask you to take a look at your own behavior.

There is support in the form of on line groups and 12 step groups for giving up addictions to porn. I hope you consider this at it has already had an impact on one of the most important relationships in your life.

Best Wishes,

M Kay Keller