Thursday, August 12, 2010

17 yr old disrespect mouthiness

Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness Nomination?
10                       10                           10             10           Yes

Comment: THANK YOU!!! YOU ARE RIGHT!! RESENTMENT IS THE TRUE ISSUE HERE AND NOW I KNOW WHY I AM SO FIRED UP. AND THE QUOTE:" DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT OR HAPPY?" IS JUST THE QUOTE I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER AS I HAD HEARD IT SOMEWHERE BEFORE REGARGING BEING RIGHT.


THANKS FOR THE STRAIGHT TALK. I DO TOO MUCH FOR MY KIDS AND NEED TO LEARN TO DO MORE FOR MYSELF. IT'S SO CLEAR THAT IS AT THE ROOT OF THIS AND YOUR RESPONSE CAME JUST IN TIME, FOR HE GRADUATES IN 4 HOURS. AT THIS POINT AM MORE ANGRY AT HIS DAD,(BUT WILL GET OVER IT) THAN I AM AT MY SON. THANK YOU AGAIN. YOU WERE THOROUGH AND DEAD ON.

I AM USUALLY GOOD AT SOLVING MY OWN PROBLEMS AND HAVE NEVER REACHED OUT THIS FAR BEFORE, SO THANKS FOR BEING THERE. I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE IT.

Questioner: D

Subject: 17 yr old disrespect mouthiness

Question: My son, who I usually have a great relationship with, usurped my authority with my 7 yr old. I was sick and cranky, yet still kept my cool with the 7 yr old who burst into loud tears when I took a toy a way that he and I agreed was to played for only 30 min.

I was nursing a bad cold and the 7yr old decided not to honor the agreement. When I called him on it, my 17 yr old completely usurped my authority, and laid in on me, not knowing that the 7yr old was guilty. He completely disrespected me and I let him know it. I was so angry that his father came in and started in on my just for being angry. So there i was trying to be a disciplinarian and got it from all angles.

 I spoke w/my 17 yr old later and he says I'm mean and I tell him he's disrespectful and I'm the authority, the "general" of discipline and was without a shadow of a doubt corrrect to do what I did. Even the 7 yr old agreed. However, my 17 yrold and his dad have wrongly teamed up against me because as the arguement escalted I told them both to f-off. They were both so cavalier and wrong. I couldn't believe their attitudes. I spoil them both and deserve so much better.

I know i should not use profanity, however, my son really crossed the line with me. I am GOLD to him, do so muchfor him,special parties, friends over, every single issue he has I have been there when he needs me and I don't hover, cuz i have four kids. I am so offened by his actions that I can no longer support him. I don't even want to attend his upcoming graduation ceremony. I am so done with his arrogant attitude of late and his double standard. Help. thanks

Answer: Dear D:

Whoa! An argument that happened when a day ago or a few moments ago and you are now contemplating not attending his graduation? Get some perspective. This argument neither of you will remember in 10 years however, he will remember you did not go to his graduation ceremony in 10 years!

Everyone is guilty of an extreme need to be RIGHT. My grandma use to say do you want to be happy or do you want to be right.

1st of all I am not saying you were wrong. I am not saying your husband did the right thing by not backing you up. I am not saying your son had any business getting into something that was a parenting issue. I am not saying that you were not blasted. I am saying get a GRIP.

All you do for your children is because you love them, right? Not because they owe it to you to agree with you all the time? Right? As a matter of fact when we do for others they are not suppose to owe us anything. It is whose choice to do all these things? Yours. If you are doing more than you should be doing you will have RESENTMENT! Pay attention to your own boundaries. Take care of you first them second or you get tired, overwhelmed, underappreciated etc...and build up resentment. Resentment is something I look for in my own life and in the writings of those who post to me as it tells me when I am doing too much for others when the can do for themselves.

Not sure what is going on with your husband and you son however something does sound amiss....you need to have a discussion with your husband and make sure he and your son have not been having man to man talks about you! This is inappropriate in any family. Parents need to show a strong front whether or not they agree with each other.

As for your 17 year old. He is almost an adult and trust me when I say it may take 10 years however he will come to appreciate you more as he gets older (mine is almost 30 and it is amazing how smart I have suddenly become!). Just play it cool, detach and let go and it will work it's way out. You don't have to keep doing for him, he can do for himself. However not showing up to the graduation ceremony you will regret and he will remember. Remember your relationship with him is for a lifetime, hopefully.

M Kay Keller

P.S. with all this arguing who was doing the listening, the 7 year old?