Wednesday, August 18, 2010

17 year old of boyfriend is terrible

Knowledgeability 10; Clarity of Response 10; Timeliness 10; Politeness 10.

Comment: The only reason I made it my business is because this man has asked me to marry him. So, as I see this unfold I am concerned. I won't consider marrying him with the son in the home nor if he lets his ex wife continue to control him.
I agree that he is not teaching his son the right behavior and that is frustrating to watch. I have talked with him but I haven't mentioned that his son will learn how to treat his daughter-in-law and grandchildren the same way. Maybe that will get him to think about setting boundries. Thank you for the help.

Questioner: LeeAnn

Subject: boyfriend teen is very verbally abusive to him

Question: The man I am seeing for the past 1.5 years has a 17 year old son that treats him awful. He walks on eggshells to please his son. The mother and this man were divorce 7 years ago but she is a very abusive controlling person (she went to jail for her physical abuse when they were married) but still calls this man to rant at him. He decided to block her calls so he would not have to take them. He tried to not respond but the son wanted him to "be nice to her" When the son found out he blocked her calls he verbally came unglued and screamed at him for doing so. So he is unblocking the phone to "keep the peace" in the house. Does this seem unhealthy to you or am I just sticking my nose into something I shouldn't. I want the young man to consider the mother's abuse of the father but he is only thinking of himself. The mom then takes it out on the boy verbally I guess and he doesn't want to deal with it either. I don't see this situation getting any better. Should I consider even having a relationship with this man or wait until the son has left home? I think this woman will always try and find a way to control both of them as long as they let her. I am somewhat afraid she could be dangerous.

Answer: Dear LeeAnn,

Well yes you are putting your nose into something that is none of your business. However, the person responsible for taking action here is the man you are dating. I think you need to be upfront with him and tell him as much as he may love his son he is not teaching him how to treat him or others with respect.

Children learn what they see from their parents and this teen has obviously learned from the abusive parent. Now what he needs to learn is that other people will NEVER put up with that time of behavior. Your boyfriend is probably terrified of losing his son. Again point out that watching his son abuse other people as he grows into an adult and eventually his grandchildren will be devastatingly heartbreaking as well.

We each are individually responsible for teaching others how to treat us.

What you decide to do about the dating relationship is up to you. Follow your heart.

Sounds like your boyfriend needs a 12 step like Alanon or a support group for people who have been abused. It helps them learn how to set boundaries.

Best Wishes!

M Kay Keller

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