Saturday, August 7, 2010

15 year old had sex

Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness Nomination?

10                       10                           10             10           Yes
Comment: I am grateful for the advice given. it was informative and right on the mark. I really have done so much for my children in which they don't even have to think for themselves and have made them vulnerable.

Thank you so much.

Questioner: Amanda

Subject: 15-year-old had sex 1st time with someone we had forbidden her to have contact.

Question: We just found out that our daughter had sex last week for the first time with someone we had forbidden her to see. she is an excellent student and is on the cheer squad
 and in several activities at school. He is 3 years old 18, and has no job, quit school, and persuaded her to prove love. Now she thinks she is in love and has lost our trust. How do we get through this and keep him away from her.

Answer: Dear Amanda:

Well the easy answer is to file a restraining order. However you are asking the wrong question. You maybe able to keep him from coming around but can you keep her from sneaking around behind your back.

I doubt you will find that locking her in her room and escorting her to all of her activities until she is 18 will be a practical move.

I suggest doses of reality. Take her to planned parenthood and let them overdose her on the responsible sex movies, discussions and anything else you can get her into as this will eliminate the romantic side of being sexually active.

Next, seriously discuss what form of birth control she will be on as the cat is definitely out of the bag and no matter how much you may want her to not be she already is sexually active. He is not the only boy out there who is capable of convincing her she needs to have sex with him to prover her love. There are plenty of boys you could approve of who can put the same pressure on her.

Now the hard question, the one we don't like to deal with as parents is why was she so easily persuaded. My professional opinion is children who grow up not being taught to make their own decisions often succumb to outside influences. Have you tried to make her decisions for her or influence her into making her decisions for your approval? I know this is a harsh question and if you want to make this go away the thing to do is start improving your relationship with her immediately.

Listening to her, validating her opinions, no matter how much you disagree with her, and then getting her to think her way through things by asking thought provoking questions and teaching her that saying no makes her stronger. She gave in because she was weakened by the idea of rejection. We often have to learn to deal with rejection and realize it is not about who we are it is truly about the other person.

I am sure this is very hard on you as parents. You really have to focus on the relationship you have with her to keep this from going south quickly. If you think things are not going well, Please do get into some family counseling with a good qualified Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in adolescent behavior.

And remember to focus on her strengths and positive traits through all of this change.

Best wishes.

M Kay Keller