Thursday, July 29, 2010

Teens lying

Knowledgeability Clarity of Response Timeliness Politeness Nomination?

10                       10                           10            10             Yes

Comment: thank you, counseling has already been planned thanks for the good advise and better understanding of the situation

Questioner: Christy

Subject: stealing and lieing teens

Question: "I have two teenagers ages 14 & 15. I have been married and divorced twice. I

have been a single parent now for almost four years. I finally meet someone I

love.
We dated and decided for him to move in to help each other out. My

problem, things have started coming up missing in the house that belongs to him.

Of coarse no one admits to it. He says one of them is getting the things, to

punish both until someone confesses something. They say they haven't touched

anything of his, that he is being paranoid. I feel like a tug-of-war rope. I

don't know what to believe. Sometime I even think maybe he is doing it to see

how I will pick, then again I think one of the kids are doing it to see who I

will pick. I love this man but I have seen him be a little overreacting on occasion. I love my kids too.

I have caught my daughter in the past taking things from me, as to later find

them in her room. She also lies unbelievably well. Any advice?

Answer: Dear Christy:

Well you are in quite a pickle of a situation. I can imagine you do feel like you are being pulled apart. However, I would never suggest punishing both a 14 and a 15 year old for something until they fess up. First of all this is going to cause quite a bit of anger and resentment on the part of the innocent party.

You did not mention how long you had dated this man before moving him in and this behavior could be your teens way of letting you know this move was too much for them.

There is so much information you did not include in your post it would be hard to give you really conclusive advice. The information you did give me says you are not sure you trust him or your teens to tell you the truth and this is a bigger issue than the stealing.

I strongly suggest FAMILY COUNSELING now. As quickly as you can get you and them into some family counseling with a good reputable counselor who has plenty of experience with blended families and teenagers.

In the meantime you may need to remind him he is the adult and needs to not over react. If it is one of your teens pushing his buttons he needs to diffuse his own buttons so it isn't so much fun for the teen.

Some of the button pushing is just normal teen behavior when the family situation has changed and they feel they have little power in the family dynamics.

Have you planned any outings and fun time together in which they participate in the planning? The more choices you give to teens the more powerful they feel the less likely they are to act out like this...just a thought.

Best wishes,

M Kay Keller