Friday, July 30, 2010

Teen parenting

Questioner: Anonymous
Subject: My 15 yrs old son has 2 month daughter

Question: Since my son was a little boy he was a straight A student. He has been a good boy until he turns 13 years old (7 grade) he chance a lot. His grades started going down and he didn't want to help in the house.

Unfortunally my husband lost his job in around the same time and he has been home since then. My son starting dating a girl off and on since 7 grade and on September of last year the stop seeing each other. They never talk since then but this year on February the girl's mom called me and told me that the girl was pregnant. We took the girl to the doctor the same day and found out that the girl was almost 7 month pregnant.

We never question the situation or anything we started to support my son and the girl. But my son is still leaving with me and the girl with her family. You can imagine we went through difficult times, is very difficult to see your son having that kind of responsibility because he still is my baby. My husband do not understand as much as I do. I talk more to my son and I try to tell him not to quit school and the best he can do is get his education and that way he can provide the best he can to his suppose daughter.

I say that because not that I sit back and start thinkning that may not be his daughter. I try my son to understand that we need a DNA test done. The girl family is very upset because of that. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I just want the best for my son and I don't want him to get hurt. He listen to this girl and he does whatever she wants him to do.

He is taking this responsibility very seriously, he doesn't go out with his friends anymore, he just spend the day at this girl house with the baby the whole day but with the supervision of the girl's mom. I just tell my son to be careful not to make the same mistake again and that he has to use protection. I have seen the baby only once since she was born because the girl's mom wants me to go to her house to see the baby and I don't want to, I want to see the baby at my house.

As you can see we have a lot of problems between family and I don't want that to happen because I know that will affect my son and the baby too. Right now I am going to a lawyer to have the test done but what is going to happen next.

What if my son listen to those people over us. I don't know how to treat him, I don't want to loose him. I know this is a difficult time for all of us and sometimes I don't know how to haddle it. Also, I have a question a what time do you think my son has to be home? I tells him at 11 pm but my husband do not like it. Please help me, I need someone to talk to. I just hope you can understand what I try to say.

Thank you for your time and I will be waiting for your answer.

Answer: Dear Anonymous,

Whew. Parenting under the best of circumstances is the most challenging activity any human being will encounter in their lives. What you are experiencing is especially difficult for you, your family and your son. First of all try being more compassionate to yourself. I am convinced from what I read here you are doing the best you can do. First, the DNA test. Yes, I would want my son to get a DNA test done on a baby he was taking responsibility for at his age.

 Also, have you asked him directly if he believes the baby is his. Even in this day and age children are often misinformed about pregnancy and sex. Some children still believe they can get pregnant from holding hands and kissing. Don't take anything for granted.

Have a heart to heart talk with him about the baby and his participation in the pregnancy. Second of all. I can't imagine not seeing my grandchild. I am not sure of what is going on with you and the mother however I would like to caution you right now to be still and ask yourself what you are really feeling. Just asking for a DNA test is enough to cause some hard feelings although it shouldn't I can imagine it will. Do you really want to disconnect yourself from your grandchild.

These first few years are so important in the life of a child. I can understand your not wanting to get attached in case the child is not your sons however it sounds like his involvement with the baby means he is already attached. Like it or not you are in this with him unless you are prepared to give up your son along with your grandchild.

As I said before I know this situation is difficult for you to deal with it would be for anyone. However, you can get through this and you will get through this. What is important is what you want on the other side. Do you want a relationship with your son? Do you want a relationship with your grandchild if the DNA tests are positive? Do you realize you will need to have a working relationship with the baby's mother and her family in order to have a good relationship with the grandchild?

Mostly time will work many of these questions out. In the meantime be good to yourself. Take time for yourself. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, eat, relax and play for yourself. You are going to need plenty of energy for the days ahead of you. As for what time your son comes home you are well within your rights as a parent to set a time for your son to come home.

If for no other reason than it is late enough to wake you up when he does come home. You are still responsible for you son legally until he turns 18 years of age.

Best wishes and please feel free to post again.


M Kay Keller

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