Saturday, February 20, 2010

February 20, 2010

Day 20 - Do you want to be right or happy?

My grandma use to ask,"Do you want to be right or be happy? Cause you can't be both!"

Two common mistakes people make in relationships are holding unspoken expectations and the need to be right! Let's deal first with the need to be right.

Are you a person who always has to be right in the discussion? Do you need to win every argument or disagreement? If so, then you have come to the right blog!


Why is the need to be right such a relationship killer? Well if you are always right then where does that leave your partner? They are always wrong. Is this really possible? Are you really so perfect that you are always right and the person who loves you, who you have chosen to be with is always wrong? Are they really that big of a loser? Then why are you with this person?

My point is, if you are always right then you leave the other person in the relationship feeling as if they are a loser. Who wants to be with or live with someone who sees them as a loser or makes them feel less than wonderful when they are around them? Being right all the time has consequences, it diminishes the joy in the relationship. Therefore, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Really being right all the time does not bring happiness into your life because those high standards are standards you probably apply to yourself as well. What happens when you do make a mistake or are wrong about something? Are you able to feel good about yourself or do you feel like a loser?

If you are thinking, "but I am only happy when I am right. If I am not right then I can't be happy!" Think again. If you are ONLY happy when you are RIGHT then you are not happy in all the in between times of being right! Who wants their happiness based upon an external event! Happiness is something you can cultivate on a moment-to-moment basis and not allow it to be fleeting such as when you are right and someone else is wrong.

What my grandma was getting to is there is truth and agreement in all things. I can find away to agree with someone without having to discount, discredit and minimize everything they say. If someone attacks me and says, "you are lazy!" I can respond to them by saying, "well I probably could do more around the house." It does not mean because I agreed with them that I totally agree with them and they are 100% right, it only means that I am human and because I am human there is always room for improvement. Whether or not I choose to change this is totally up to me.

If you are in a relationship and you value this relationship however, you have a need to be right try and find areas in which you can compromise. Not all areas, just some areas. No one is passionate about every idea, every topic, and every conversation 100% of the time. So set down and figure out what your deal breakers are for you.

For instance, I can compromise to a point on what movies I go to see. I do not have to see the one I want each time. I can say hey I picked last time you pick this time, etc....my deal breakers are extreme violence and sci-fi which I would rather stay home and do the dishes...however there are many other types of movies I would go to see with someone that would not have been my first choice.

If it is politics, you are in disagreement rather than having to be right (people who are comfortable about their beliefs do not have to defend them anyway) hear the other person out and let them state their views without your judgments, onions, or commentaries. LISTENING does not mean you AGREE or are WRONG. It only means you know how to show respect to others regardless of whether or not you agree. Very few things in life are 100% for sure except maybe gravity.

So just for today, ask yourself in all of your relationships, "Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?" The choice is yours.