Monday, February 15, 2010

February 15, 2010

Dating: Fatal Flaws You can't pass go!

1. Past relationships - Has the person owned their responsibility for the failed relationship or do they discuss the experience in terms of being victimized? Can they tell you what they learned from their past relationships in a positive manner or is it all negative. If it is negative, DO NOT PASS GO! RUN! If it is Positive then proceed to #2.

2. Is this person financially solvent. This is not about being rich it is about earning enough income to pay their personal expenses which include retirement and a savings account. They need to be a financially responsible adult. If the answer is no, DO NOT PASS GO! RUN! If the answer is yes, the proceed to #3.

3. Has this person shown them self to you in a positive or a negative light? What this means is do they treat other people well? Do they speak to the waitress or waiter who serves them in a restaurant with eye contact and in a humane manner or do they look through them as if they are on a different social class level than the hired help? If the answer is no, DO NOT PASS GO! RUN! If the answer is yes, then proceed to #4.

4. Have you spent enough time with this person to determine if their personality and way of interacting with you is consistent? Do you bring the best in this person out and do they bring the best in you out? Do they respond consistently in discussions (tell the same details in a story told previously or do they shift the details around creating drama?). If the answer is no, DO NOT PASS GO! If the answer is yes, then proceed to #5.

5. How does this person spend their time outside of work? What are their interests? Are they actively engaged in their life? This doesn't mean someone who loves to eat at restaurants unless they are a food critic, or someone who loves to view movies unless they are a movie critic or someone who lives on the computer unless they earn their living on the computer and in these cases it doesn't count because it is how they earn a living not how they live their life. Does this person have a minimum of 2 interests outside of looking for a partner? Something they love to do and love to spend time doing? It is critical to determine how a person spends their time is an indication of their happiness level and where they spend their time now is where they will spend their time when they are with you. Two happy people equals a happy relationship, one unhappy person and happy person does not equal a happy relationship and two unhappy people definitely does not equal a happy relationship. If the answer to this question is No outside interest then, DO NOT PASS GO! Run! If the answer is there are at least 2 outside interest then proceed to #6.

6. How does your potential love interest interact with your friends and family? Do they interact on a respectful and engaging level? Do they love getting to know who you are by relating to your friends and family? If not and there is the great divide, then DO NOT PASS GO! If so then proceed to #7.

#7. What are your values and what is the other persons values? Do you top 5 match their top 5. If they are no where close then DO NOT PASS GO! If so then proceed to #8.

#8. Listen to the other person. Do they talk about wanting commitment? Or not? If they say they do not, then DO NOT PASS GO! People will not change just because you want them to! Do not minimize or undervalue what another person says to you while dating. LISTEN, Believe them! Or deal with the disappointment and take responsibility for setting yourself up to fail.

On another note there are those opposite times when someone talks of commitment yet is not capable of bringing it home. Again, if the behavior does not match the words then believe what you see. Most of this advice is based upon truly trusting your own voice. Listen to what you heart is telling you. Most of us can look back and retrospectively see early on in a relationship that we were rationalizing someones behavior, rationalizing our own behavior, minimizing what our heart and mind were telling us and plain just ignoring the signs. Being your own best friend is the secret to making choices that do not leave you as roadkill. If so, then proceed to #9.

#9. NOW hear me CLEARLY. Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart! You know. We all know when something is not right! Most of us were taught as children to NOT listen to our own inner voice. This is one of the main reasons that I have spent my adult life researching and reading up on care giving practices of children. Most of us are taught from the time we are small children to please anyone else but ourselves. To listen to the voice of our caregiver and to dismiss our own inner compass. LISTEN! Therapists, counselors and life coaches all make a living telling you what you have already inside of you. Your own inner voice. If you are in a relationship that dismisses your voice, RUN! Do not pass go!

#10. Ask yourself if you are READY for a relationship? Are you already happy with your life as it is now? Because if you are not a relationship is only going to disappoint you. And lastly and most importantly, can you apply this fatal criteria to yourself. Are you the person that you hope to find? Can you answer favorably to each of the criteria above about yourself? In order to find the person of your dreams it is just as important to BE the person of your dreams.

#11. The most important signal you have found someone who deserves you is this, do they recognize the three greatest things about you. Do they see your heart and hear you as a person to the degree that they know the 3 greatest things about you. If you don't know the 3 greatest things about you then do not apply the fatal criteria start working on loving yourself first. You cannot attract love unless you are love.
In addition do you see the other person's heart and hear their voice. What are the 3 greatest things about this person that you know to be true. Are they the three greatest things they also know about themselves?

#12. Where you are in your own self growth is what you will attract. In other words the healthier you are the healthier person you will attract. When people call me and ask me if they should dump someone I NEVER say yes. What I tell them is to focus their energy/attention back on their own growth. Making sure they are paying attention to their own physical, emotional and spiritual needs. When they do this daily, moment to moment, someone who is incapable of appreciating them and being in a relationship will move on and the decision to dump or not dump will be theirs thus taking care of the problem. Never be afraid to see someone leave you as they were not meant to be a part of your destiny.
People who want to use and abuse others do not settle down with someone who is healthy. Who respects their own boundaries and takes care of themselves. They look for people who are fragile, looking outside of themselves to be nurtured and protected.
These are my fatal criteria based upon years of listening to people who call with their hearts broken and afraid to trust. What they are really afraid of is trusting themselves to keep themselves safe in a relationship. They are afraid to love themselves even more than they are afraid of loving someone else.
Feel free to post your own fatal criteria below. However, if your list gets much longer then refer back to

#10. Ask the questions again and again.

1 comment:

  1. while i agree with your criteria in principle, i can't imagine a real-life relationship passing every one of them. sometimes a good relationship is about meeting one another where we are and going (and growing) from there. Hugs, Dawn