Thursday, October 22, 2009

No words tonight....

Well it has been a good week. Every night I come home just exhausted. As if the battery is past dead it isn't even rechargeable. Yet, every morning I have managed to get out of bed and get to work. I do it by giving myself permission to not do anything perfectly all day. Just showing up has to be enough for now.

I am excited to be going to see my grandchildren. I can't wait to hear their voices, feel their hugs and gropings, listen to their chatter, watch as they dance and play with more energy than I can even remember having at their age. I just can't wait! The anticipation seems to be caught in my throat and almost strangling me because I need to see them. You see...

I have been avoiding the outside world all day. I caught snippets of the news and immediately blocked it out all day. I saw people posting and shut off my computer. I heard others in the hall or on the elevator speaking of such and I immediately vacated their presence.

For you see...

My mind cannot comprehend what my heart is feeling for the mother, the father, the grandparents of the 7 year old girl whose body was found in a dump under garbage today in pieces.

The only greater pain than the death of a child is knowing they suffered, knowing that they were hurt by someone who cared nothing about the pain they inflicted upon them, knowing that the child wondered why no one came to rescue them. Knowing that your child was alone, feeling abandoned and looking for someone to come and get them take them home and put them into bed safe and sound as if their whole experience had just been a bad nightmare.

No I cannot wrap my mind around what this family is feeling tonight. I can't imagine trying to move my body through that kind of pain. Twenty five years ago I held my own baby daughter in my arms as she lived and died in my arms. Even now when I let my mind wander to the past and think about her I can feel the heartbreak all over again. You see our society expects us to get over our losses as if it means we are healed or we have become healthy. What I figured out a long time ago was getting over "it" was all about making other people comfortable with my pain. People need people who grieve to stop showing their pain so they can get on with their own lives without the interruption or the reminder that you are in such incredible inhuman pain that you can hardly take a breathe. You can barely move your body through the pain. You can not even fathom facing a tomorrow let alone the rest of the day. Now 25 year later I cannot imagine what this 7 year old little girls family must be feeling because their situation is something I am sure I could not come back from. As much pain as I felt burying my newborn I can't imagine having a child die that I had started to raise, had memories of and wanted to protect.

Tonight my heart and my prayers go out to this family. I hope they can feel some comfort although I wouldn't begin to know how to express this to them. The questions that must be going through their mind as to what kind of a person does this incomprehensible act to a child. I want to say I hope they feel the love surrounding them and comforting them and yet I think that they are probably barely able to breathe through their own rage and anger at the cruelty their child has experienced. The only positive is they will not spend the rest of their lives not knowing where she is or whether or not she is okay. The situation is over. Now the dealing with what is begins. It is moments like this when I know there is no hell. Hell is here on earth. Eventually when the heart reorganizes we once again find heaven on earth.

Heaven on earth as I have found each time I hear my grandchildren laugh. When I heard and saw my own children laugh and love and cry. It was all heaven on earth after the darkness faded.

Now I squeeze each moments out of being in their presence. I have to believe that love prevails over evil. That by not staying in a place of anger and rage and moving on to healing through love that love did eventually bring me to a place of joy, peace and love once again.

There are no words tonight to convey ....