Sunday, October 18, 2009

New begginnings

Each day a new beggining.


Each and every morning when I wake up I go through a circle of thoughts. My first thought upon awakening is should I move? I have discoid lupus and thereby arthritis which can cause me terrible pain especially for some reason first thing in the morning. So when I waken in the morning it is all about doing a quick body scan to see how bad the pain is before moving too quickly. The interesting thing is I have found over the years that there are days when I wake up quickly, move quickly and viola there is no pain. It's just a mystery each day. The second feeling of the day is gratitude that I wake up each day! I have 4 yes, FOUR sleep disorders.
One of which allows me to stop breathing an average of 35 times a night, one of which allows me to only fall into the 3rd REM cycle of sleep each night and arouses me on the average of 20-30 times in an hour (hyperarousal), the third is I can sleep walk and talk which can wake me up rather abruptly and the last is PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) which sometimes means my dreams are graphic, scary and reduce me to a 5 year old paralyzed in bed with fear. Needless to say night time is a trip...a good nights sleep is like pure gold. So yes I am full of gratitude for life each morning when I wake. Grateful I am breathing and even grateful for the pain as it means I am alive, kicking and feeling something! :)

However, each day is a new day a day full of possiblilities and mystery. It is like a canvas that is waiting to be painted with wonder. I am so blessed.

I find that healing from the past comes in wonderful moments throughout the day. I have discovered from attending alanon 12 step group meetings that the more real I am, the more I share myself with others the more healing I recieve. It is this amazing process that allows me to open up when I hear others opening up and then when I hear myself talking, viola! The more I assist others the more I really assist myself.

I found that happening this morning as I answered a live advice phone call. People often mistakenly call me looking for psychi readers hoping to find an answer to their relationship. Questions such as will he/she committ to the relationship? Do they love me? Will they stop/start doing such and such behavior? As a relationship advisor I know that just the act of them looking for me usually means they are not getting what they want from their relationship and they already know what the outcome is going to be, they just want a chance to talk about it an find their way home to their own heart.

However, the priceless joy of being there for each person is that I often hear myself as a gentle reminder of what I too need to hear each day. What I listen for when I am answering a call is focus, acceptance, awareness, and action.

I listen to determine where the caller's focus is, are they talking more about the other person or themself. For instance are they complaining about someone else's behavior or just describing their own behavior. Mostly and more often than not they are unhappy because they are focusing outside of themself on someone else who they have absolutely no control over. Thus making themself miserable by measuring their failure of control as a statement about their own loveableness. My job is to get them back to themself. What do they want that they are not getting in the relationship? How can they get this for themself? It is never about whether or not to end the relationship. If they are in a relationship with someone who is incapable of loving others or giving to others (very rare) then just focusing on their own growth and loving themself will be the demise of the relationship as people who are inherently defective lovers won't stay for long in a relationship where they are not the center of the universe. Hence my reminder to myself to focus on what I need today. Starting with my physical needs, food, shelter, exercise, etc...spiritual needs, financial needs...etc...

This is a continuous struggle for me as I was raised to be other focused. It was considered selfish to focus on myself first and others second. What I have discovered as an adult is anyone who calls me selfish is acting out like a two year old because they are not the center of my attention at that particular moment. What I have also learned is that when on the airplane the attendants encourage everyone in an emergency to put the oxygen mask on myself first before assisting others! I have discovered that taking care of myself first is a priority a necessary priority in order to have abundance to share with others. If I am in a deficit then I have little to share with others.

This in and of itself was a huge success for me to accept. Acting on it took years of courage and often I found myself estranged from family and loved ones because I dared to step back and take care of me first. It was painful and I sometimes relapsed back for the sake of others approval until I heard someone say, "No one who ever left you was ever meant to be a part of your destiny!" Hmmm...I pondered ...then that means there are others who are meant to be a part of my destiny!

This is where life became very mysterious and exciting and new!

Each day truly is a new beggining!

Enough for now,

Katie